the end of a tumultuous love-affair (for now)

Though I can still officially call myself a student for another week or so, I’m already suffering from withdrawal symptoms from school. Despite resolving that I shouldn’t rush to apply to go back, the thought of being away from school for more than a few months, let alone two years is extremely unsettling. I spent the better part of my youth romanticizing academia, and though very early on in my academic career, I was stripped of most of those naive notions, I am still largely enamored by academia. Though it’s not something everyone can relate to. P. was horrified when I told her that I was seriously considering going back to school, pleading with me not to. But why not? Because it’s an escape.

Exactly. And I bask in the splendor of such diversion. If I can avoid the real world, which I hear is “not all that,” why shouldn’t I? Sure there are costs. I despise never feeling truly free when I’m in school, besieged by the all-consuming pressure of there forever being some school work I should be doing. And the weeks or months when, despite my better interests, I am forced to spend every waking moment (and more) focused on school, neglecting nearly everything else (see this past month’s entries: in this case, my blog was largely representative of what was happening life—thesis all the time—aside from my failing to write about one other major source of stress that was plaguing me the time...), all I want is it to be done with school forever. And there’s the utter boredom associated with repetitive tasks like studying or expending one’s energy writing papers on topics one doesn’t care about. And of course there’s the unavoidable stress that one slip could jeopardize years of work and dedication. But possibly the most irredeemable aspect of academia is how it drives the already innately selfish human being to become increasingly self-centered, the lofty markings of academia demanding so much of his time in energy in such a way that for him to allow much room for anything might hinder his success (or so he is led to believe), all the while blinding the student from even noticing his self-interested motives via a façade of there being some greater good he is working towards.

Yet, school is a sort of haven for me. I thrive there. Admittedly, it takes me a while to adjust. But after a year or so of feeling completely incapable, I amaze myself and catch on. As a child I was always bitter that I had no talents to speak of, but I’ve come to realize that I might have developed one for school. I’ve experienced few things in life that compare to the thrill I get at achieving all A’s after a semester of hard work (I know, pretty sad…). And although the students largely did not turn out to be the intellectual, philosophical thinkers epitomized in the novels I read growing up, I was not disappointed with the professors. It takes a lot for a person to win my high opinion, yet there were few professors I’ve encountered that didn’t earn my respect (on some level at least), with even the most despicable professors having some trait to be admired. And as humbling as it was to be in the presence of these extremely intelligent, experts in their fields, I valued every occasion I got to meet with them (and took advantage of every possible opportunity as well: as an undergraduate, going to the office hours of nearly every professor I’ve had, some every week; and as a graduate student heeding to my advisors’ offers to “stop by” whenever I had questions as well as “interviewing” dozens of professors when I was in search of research). And the value of which should not be underrated are those fleeting moments when academia feels just as grandeur as you had imagined it to be, and you feel honored to be a part of a particularly prestigious sect of it.

But all that aside, this time around, I do not hope to return school as a means in itself, but as a means to an end. Indeed, I love school, but right now, my hate for it is somewhat overpowering. However, it is essential that I remain hopeful of returning, since it will not only give me something to work for, but I might have chanced upon something that I am passionate about (!), and the only way to pursue it is to submit to the powers of academia.