and I was sure I had it all figured out at the time
I was flipping through the personal journal I kept in high school, and even after all these years, I still cringe when I read it. I was almost on the verge of throwing it in the sink along with a lit match, but then I came upon an element of recognition, and then another, and I realize that while the majority of my entries reflect a period filled with adolescent angst, resentfulness, and other things I’d like to forget, if I dispose of it, I would lose the record of who I was back then, and in some respects, the evolution of how I became who I am today. Anyway, the irony of how many things turned out makes me smile. Some snippets of random entries:
September 21, 1996: I hate New York City. I’m surrounded by millions of people, and yet I’m lonely.
December 22, 1996: I want to go to college…
January 25, 1997: It’s final, I want to be a writer.
September 11, 1997: She [my English teacher] is constantly calling on me to answer questions – she probably calls on me more than she call on all the girls in the class put together.
October 19, 1997: Sometimes I just wish I could be like everyone else.
December 14, 1997: What do I want?
December 30, 1997: What will I do with my life?
December 31, 1997: Why do I exist?
January 6, 1998: I guess happiness is for the moment.
April 7, 1998: I’m bored. Bored with my life. And bored with the world I know.
September 16, 1998: I told S. I don’t believe in religion – mistake?
October 11, 1998: B.’s family is treating me as if I’m some sort of dangerous object.
October 26, 1998: I am acting really foolish lately, but hey, “A fool never grows older.”
November 11, 1998: Why do I want a life completely opposite of what I have? Stupid dreams. Stupid, stupid dreams.
December 30, 1998: Today I turned 16! Boy it’s depressing.
December 2, 1999: Mrs. L. saw me in the hall and called me over, asking if she could talk to me for a minute. She asked me if I was definitely going to college – as if she didn’t know. And asked if I would consider a Jewish college.
December 7, 1999: Another question concerning G-d: Why do we thank Him for our existence? … Anyway, today my mother let me drive the car up the alley – then I crashed into the garage.
April 16, 2000: My father agreed to send me to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. I can hardly believe I am actually doing this.
April 19, 2000: I am going to miss my friends – and my high school life.
posted by Goldie @ 7:27 PM
1 Comments:
I don't know. When I run into classmates I haven’t seen in years, they tell me I'm exactly the same. But although fundamentally I might be very much the same, I think I’m significantly more positive, less resentful, generally more content, and more likely to walk around my apartment naked.
Have you guys changed? I think so. You, maybe not as much. But regardless of what Bella likes to claim, and regardless of my trying to pretend that marriage hasn’t changed her, it definitely has. “Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do.” ~Bettina Arndt, Private Lives, 1986
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