the respite of reduced choices, and the reality that disturbs the calm

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.

- Isabel Colegate

Yesterday, when a firm I interviewed with last week called to turn me down, I think the excitement in my voice must have confused the guy into thinking that I misinterpreted him, since he paused and then repeated himself in other words so as to make certain that it was clear that I was being rejected. While in many ways, I really wanted the job, since it would involve just the sort of engineering work that I always found interesting (material failure analysis), had I gotten an offer, I would have been faced with a pretty difficult decision of choosing between a stressful*, but potentially interesting engineering job and a relatively laid back, boring job that I’m not qualified for, yet one which I am being actively recruited for (for some reason they think they’ve hit a gold-mine with me, though they won’t budge on the salary...), both of which I don't really want...

Yet, as relieved as I was not to have to make a decision, within a few minutes, it dawned on me that I would have to officially accept the offer from the other place. The thought of committing to a job that would involve my sitting in a cubicle, in a windowless room, dedicating 8, 9 hours a day, five days a week to something I now care very little about is ghastly. So I dawdle, and hold off my official acceptance until the last possible moment, hoping for some miracle to occur in interim (2 other companies contacted me today, offering a sliver of hope). But tomorrow morning I will consign.

So I haven’t even started working yet, and I’m already thinking of how I’m going to phrase my one month's notice at the end of the year...

*I got the impression that the job I didn’t get offered would have been pretty demanding, require overtime, have minimal vacation, and would entail my working in a small-firm setting with a bunch of middle-age WASP-y engineers. And besides, I think they'd give me a harder time if I decided to quit within a year...