the dangers of flex time

As a graduate student, I hated Sundays (I can't remember if I felt the same way as an undergraduate…). As much as I looked forward to the end of the week and to the peaceful bliss of the somewhat forced day of rest, when Sunday rolled around, I couldn't wait for Monday morning to arrive. Sunday was the day I was supposed to get lots of stuff done (school work, errands, long runs, etc.), but since I knew I had an entire day, I allowed myself the liberty of taking it easy, which inevitably opened a gap for antsiness to seep in. Thus, Sundays often ended becoming days filled with angst and loneliness and my calling one person after the next in hope that it would somehow make the agonizing feeling go away and leave me in peace to get my work done. Then, at the end of each Sunday, noting how ironically little of what I hoped to get done was accomplished (at least school work wise), I would vow to get out for the bulk of the following Sunday, but of course, I rarely did, being the overloaded graduate student that I was.

Now as a "working girl," while I definitely do not look forward to the arrival of Monday mornings*, oddly, I haven't completely been able to shed the restlessness I am used to associating with Sundays. I find myself waking up Sunday morning with a sense of unease, even if my mind is blank, and I am relatively at peace, as if I have been preconditioned. In fear of it sinking in and getting to me, I spend the day running from myself, and not really doing much, since all week, while I was overwhelming busy, I have been craving this flex time to do nothing and couldn't possibly waste it by doing anything too substantial. So while most weeks, Sundays are hardly awful, often spent in good company of friends, family, and Hollywood, they don't live up to their potential, leaving many of things I really enjoy and want to do, undone, and tainted by the fear of leaving myself vulnerable to angst. Alas, I'm signing up for a Sunday course this fall to avoid too much spare time, the very thing I yearn for all week.

I am reminded that there are few good things in life that don't come at a price, but perhaps if one learns to manage the good things correctly, the cost could be minimized.


*This morning I hit snooze three times...It didn't help that I was in middle of some interesting dreams, or that the sun hasn't come out in days...